Its time to steer away from my crippling thoughts of inadequacy. I am going to go full out for dance. I've been taking a break lately cause I hurt my back, but its better now, and I've been afraid to go back to dance because I've gained 2 lbs and lost some muscle. I know its ridiculous but I have major self-image issues I need to get over when I gain even just a little bit of weight. I know that this may amount to nothing later, that I will eventually get old and frail and will never be able to dance again, but if I can make any impact with dance, this is the time to do it. No more wasting time. I was on a good path to getting stronger and better, I shouldn't just back away now. gonna go for it, full out.
So we had to perform a routine in front of a panel of high executive people and a couple artists. The first time around I felt like I did pretty good. Good news is that out of all the girls who auditioned I was one of the 6 girls that got called back to perform in front of the panel again. The only problem was that I wasn't expecting it. We had been waiting in that waiting room for half an hour thinking we were just going to hear the results. So stupidly, I got myself cold, didn't practice the routine anymore, and totally forgot the beginning of the routine. So by the time they called us back and I had to do the routine again, I was having trouble. Ugh! I totally screwed up the beginning of the routine. We even did it twice in front of the panel and I screwed up the beginning 8 counts again. Well, I will say that I totally rocked it when it came to improvisation. But I doubt that will be enough to convince them to hire me.
If I was watching myself, I wouldn't hire me. I mean I have to prove that I can remember routines quickly under pressure... not my strongest feature. I feel pretty dissappointed in myself. I just really need more audition practice. I get too overwhelmed and nervous that I forget the choreography.
But honestly, in the perspective of God's plan for my life, why do I get so afraid of those who judge me here on earth? I mean if I honestly believed God was in control of all things, then why do I get so overwhelmed by these little things.
To tell you the truth, I had no reason to be nervous at this audition. I highly doubted that I'd even wanted the job because it consisted of being a back up dancer for an artist and likely included participating in tours... I don't think I'd be willing to leave my husband to go on tour for that long. At least not at the beginning of our marriage. So why did I get so overwhelmed at the audition? Idk, I just know that whatever happens, I'm okay with. Its reallly no big deal. Its not about where I am in life, but what I do wherever I am and how I deal with the situation I've been given. So I'm just going to hold my chin up, stay humble, continue to work hard, and go to more auditions and high pressure situations to get more practice.
Its okay. The only direction to go is up. I can only get better from here on out and trust that no matter what happens, its all in God's hands, so there's no need to worry.
So I'm walking to the studio on Monday, when suddenly a hip hop instructor's head pops out of a car window and asks me if I want to perform on saturday.
So here I am, its Friday. Experienced rehearsals that run till midnight, I'm sick with cough attacks, I'm sore beyond words, and I'm really excited that I get to perform a cool hip hop routine tomorrow, opening a benefit concert for Japan.
This was entirely unexpected before this week, but this will be my first performance since I took my year long break from dance. I'm pretty excited. I've been dancing so much lately, I dropped back down to my wedding weight and gotten stronger and you can just tell my whole body looks more toned. I feel so good and a little insane at times. On wednesday I danced for almost 6 hours straight, and I plan on dancing from 9:30am-3pm tomorrow (rehearsal, ballet, jazz, hip hop, rehearsal, and the performance).
I feel so incredibly motivated too, I really want to be an incredible dancer that speaks volumes with my dancing.
I do have a master plan of attack.. sort of. I'm going to leave this current studio I"m attending after just a few more weeks and move on to a new one to further improve and challenge my versatility. Then, I'm gonna go down to the hollywood studios. yup.. I'm gonna do it. Hollywood. Its like a big leap from the past because the studios in hollywood (the edge, millenium, etc.) intimidate the crap out of me. I've only ever taken class in hollywood 3 times and that was over 5 years ago when I wasn't nearly as good as I am now. Nevertheless, I'm still slightly traumatized by how overwhelmed I was in the face of such master dancers as I felt like a pathetic teenager struggling to keep up at the back of the class. Those feelings of inadequacy still haunt me to this day, which is why I've avoided hollywood for so long.
But I'm determined. I'm going to conquer my fears and do it.
So since getting back into dance a few weeks ago I've been getting really good feedback from my teachers and other dancers.
I guess I expected so little of myself that when I heard the words, "your such an incredible dancer", "that was beautiful", "wooo! this b**** can dance!", "wow your so versatile", I couldn't help but just be SO surprised.
I am still sort of giddy just thinking about it... I can't believe i've improved so much despite taking a year off from dance, it almost seems to good to be true. I mean you'd think I'd regressed by now. Its just encouraging.
BUT, I really can't let it get to my head. As a rule I shut out others when I dance. Confidence is key but pride is dangerous. I don't dance to be better than anybody. I don't dance to feel some animalistic form of superiority. I dance because when the music turns on, I feel a new language rise up from within my bones.
Who knew stepping back into the dance world would be so dangerous, I've become obsessed again. Starting today I've decided to challenge my fitness level and start the "all you can dance" membership at the studio i've been going to, which costs me an arm and a leg, but allows me to dance more and get more bang for my buck.
Today I'm going to take 2 hip hop classes, and a contemporary lyrical class. Tomorrow: technique, modern, hip hop Wed: Performance Jazz, Hip Hop Thurs: Hip Hop